Determined by childhood messages, Self-Value will permeate every facet of our lives in the type of people and experiences we attract. There is no self-blame because it happened at a subconscious level at a time when the child had to protect itself. Self-Value is undermined by environmental messaging from parents or other notary carers. This messaging creates our life programmes. To better understand this, imagine downloading Windows 7, with an expectation of accessing Windows 10. Impossible! We first have to overwrite the old programme with one that better serves our needs.
Self-Value is diminished by ‘Trauma’. For a child, trauma can be as simple as expressing Self in a moment of open vulnerability and trust, only to be met with responses that cause deep Shame, such as:
- Verbal aggression/anger/shouting
- Undermining of the child’s efforts
- Pointing out mistakes – ‘Wrong, wrong’ or how s/he could have done it better – ‘Not right Enough’
- Judging, condemning, impatience with child’s efforts
- Blame Game – Habitual in many families. Pointing the finger
- Putting child on a pedestal from which the child fears ‘falling off to a huge drop’, the responsibility of pleasing the parent daunting and out of reach for them to maintain; expectation of parental disappointment resulting in a child assuming failure, hence never trying in a defeatist response
- Setting family codes of ethics too high to live up to, by which the child feels overwhelmed and a charlatan; unworthy of being a family member
- Teaching a child to put other’s needs, wants and emotions first at the cost of their own – perhaps reminded to consider a needy sibling or a needy parent.
A child’s priority is to feel safe in parental love for who they are. The above ‘traumas’ create a need to perform for conditional love, In these moments we download limiting beliefs: “It is not safe to be Me”. “I am unloveable”.
We also learn to respond to the Guilt Programme. Now it becomes less painful to be a servaholic to other’s demands than to feel the physical reactions of Guilt, i.e. nausea, anxiety, panic, fear, cowering, “I let them down”, “They’ll think I’m selfish and dislike me and talk about me”. From here on we may as well be a puppet on a string awaiting the command to know how high to jump in efforts to win the prized possession – Approval. The Reward? That momentary ‘fix’ that temporarily makes us feel safe, suppressing all connection with our own desires. Alas, another Performing Monkey is created.
Is it any wonder then that this child becomes an adult who doesn’t know what they want, like or need; always looking to the guidance of other’s opinion in order to make a choice; leaping from one relationship to the next in a pattern of Co-dependency, desperately trying to fill the void of parental love and self-love that is left like an open wound within, waiting to be healed.
The same adult often becomes a PEOPLE PLEASER and PERFECTIONIST to protect themselves through an expectation of guaranteed approval, acceptance, love. Yes, we become addicted to love, our drug being Approval. It doesn’t work! We attract people whose love is Conditional on us being a slave to their needs, becoming the carer, the enabler, the shoulder to cry on, the one they can rely on to pick up the pieces; in other words Your average Dogsbody. Ultimately it leads to anger with self, resentment of those who lean heavy on us and eventually burn out, loss of energy chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and depression.
A FEW STEPS TOWARDS HEALING:
Low self-value presents in many forms in my clients. These are a few steps you can address on the road toward self-acceptance. Refer to Youtube – EFT tapping videos
- Learning to say NO. Until you become more adept at this you can say “I’ll get back to you on it” or “Leave it with me”. We can effectively tap on the fear of “They won’t like me. Do I need people that ‘love’ me only as long as I serve their needs. If that is love, then I can live without it. Time to say Stop to allowing others to emotionally manipulate me for their own needs”.
- We can tap on fear of anger. It is most effective when we tap it out from its origins, imagining the person who responded to us through anger in childhood while tapping.
- Fear of making mistakes. Can we change our perspective and see mistakes instead as a learning curve. We haven’t failed. We have eliminated one option on our way closer to success. In the final development of the light bulb, Edison tried over 3,000 designs before getting it right! We are human, nothing more. What if we accepted our right to make mistakes. “Resistance is futile” for whether we like it or not, humans at all levels make mistakes. It is how we learn.
- The Blame Game: What if life happens and often there IS nobody at fault. In accepting this, it further enables us to feel safer with mistakes.