DAMN!  I just planned to say ‘No’ but ‘Yes’ popped out of my mouth.  So WHY do we PEOPLE PLEASE; considering everyone else’s needs, while pushing ourselves to the back of the queue…again!  No SELF-VALUE?  No rights?  No wonder we feel ANGRY.  Treating ourselves like crap in an attempt to prevent other’s judgement is no fun.  “They’ll think I’m selfish, petty, a weirdo, demanding …”.  The list is endless in our over-thinking under-valuing mind.

People Pleasing is based on Fear; A drastic attempt to avoid Rejection pain.  It is based on an assumption we’re not loveable as we are unless we please others:



For a variety of reasons we download deep rejection:

Imagine the child, repeatedly exposed to a parent or other notary carer or sibling, who is angry, sarcastic, undermining, shaming.  Or a child taught to put their sick, disabled or needy brother or sister’s interests first.

To prevent more of same, the child becomes a people pleaser (or appeaser), or Performing Monkey.  Acting in accordance to what they think is expected of them, this behaviour becomes so habitual that the child loses all sense of who s/he is, what s/he needs; what makes her/him happy; losing all track of one’s own character & opinions.

The same sources teach us how to feel GUILT if we don’t appease.  “Look what you did to your poor mother”!  “You’re selfish”.  Now we feel like a bad child for doing this to another.  Guilt keeps us bound to People Pleasing by causing intense anxiety if not obeyed.  It becomes easier to say ‘Yes’ than to feel the attack of anxiety, feeling like a bad person, wondering what they now think of us.  Easier indeed to Please than to stand up for oneself.

Interestingly, the opposite can have an equal effect.  A child whos parent constantly over-sells the child’s ability can feel overwhelmed by a responsibility not to disappoint.  Assuming failure to live up to expectation, s/he may ‘give up’ even trying, or try too hard.


The lenses through which we perceive our world create our reality:

Let’s assume you wear Rose coloured lenses.  Looking out, the world looks bright and Rosy.  Dark grey lenses however depict a world of gloom.  What might we experience if we remove ALL lenses and see our world in full colour?  Now let’s imagine that lovely world through the lenses of rejection/abandonment pain.

We will invest immense energy avoiding situations that risk the wound of rejection being poked at, incase it bleeds again.  We HEAR rejection, SEE rejection, in other’s behaviour towards us.  We feel paranoid and anxious so much of the time.  And we are convinced of the accuracy of our perception.  Our only question is “How High?”  Then we dance and frolic like PUPPETS ON A STRING, controlled by the needs and moods of others. puppet-on-a-string

The good news is you have the power to STOP living in the shadow of others demands and cut the strings that control you through fear of rejection/abandonment.


Rejection pain, when triggered, will simply floor us.  We may:

  • Land in bed with the covers over our heads, shut down energetically, unable to be present
  • Become physically or psychologically ill
  • Experience severe panic
  • Anger may explode towards others and ourselves during such wounding, even to those who haven’t wounded us. We lash out, believing they did this to usTHE truth is nobody DOES IT to us.  Their action has resurrected some childhood wound, triggering childhood hurt that’s already in our bodies.  More good news!  The capacity to heal is within.  In releasing pain-energy stuck in our bodies we no longer live in a painful (internal) world.

I have witnessed clients recover from Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Depression, Exhaustion, Relationship problems, (again the list is endless) by addressing rejection & abandonment.  By freeing ourselves of the fear of losing people, we can risk saying ‘No’ firmly, gently, non-defensively, without guilt.  This allows us to CREATE BOUNDARIES with others.  It is a pivotal point in developing SELF-VALUE and leads us to finally LOVING OURSELVES JUST AS WE ARE.  It is a journey back to True Self, a happy return to our own GREATEST POTENTIAL.  Welcome home….

Neasa x

Neasa De Baroid is a singer, performer and an EFT Practitioner in Cork City

Self-Value and Its Tentacles

shame-statueDetermined by childhood messages, Self-Value will permeate every facet of our lives in the type of people and experiences we attract. There is no self-blame because it happened at a subconscious level at a time when the child had to protect itself.  Self-Value is undermined by environmental messaging from parents or other notary carers.  This messaging creates our life programmes.  To better understand this, imagine downloading Windows 7, with an expectation of accessing Windows 10.  Impossible!  We first have to overwrite the old programme with one that better serves our needs.

Self-Value is diminished by ‘Trauma’. For a child, trauma can be as simple as expressing Self in a moment of open vulnerability and trust, only to be met with responses that cause deep Shame, such as:

  • Verbal aggression/anger/shouting
  • Mockery
  • Undermining of the child’s efforts
  • Pointing out mistakes – ‘Wrong, wrong’ or how s/he could have done it better – ‘Not right Enough’
  • Judging, condemning, impatience with child’s efforts
  • Blame Game – Habitual in many families. Pointing the finger
  • Putting child on a pedestal from which the child fears ‘falling off to a huge drop’, the responsibility of pleasing the parent daunting and out of reach for them to maintain; expectation of parental disappointment resulting in a child assuming failure, hence never trying in a defeatist response
  • Setting family codes of ethics too high to live up to, by which the child feels overwhelmed and a charlatan; unworthy of being a family member
  • Teaching a child to put other’s needs, wants and emotions first at the cost of their own – perhaps reminded to consider a needy sibling or a needy parent.


A child’s priority is to feel safe in parental love for who they are. The above ‘traumas’ create a need to perform for conditional love, In these moments we download limiting beliefs: “It is not safe to be Me”.  “I am unloveable”.

We also learn to respond to the Guilt Programme. Now it becomes less painful to be a servaholic to other’s demands than to feel the physical reactions of Guilt, i.e. nausea, anxiety, panic, fear, cowering, “I let them down”, “They’ll think I’m selfish and dislike me and talk about me”.  From here on we may as well be a puppet on a string awaiting the command to know how high to jump in efforts to win the prized possession – Approval.  The Reward?  That momentary ‘fix’ that temporarily makes us feel safe, suppressing all connection with our own desires.  Alas, another Performing Monkey is created.

Is it any wonder then that this child becomes an adult who doesn’t know what they want, like or need; always looking to the guidance of other’s opinion in order to make a choice; leaping from one relationship to the next in a pattern of Co-dependency, desperately trying to fill the void of parental love and self-love that is left like an open wound within, waiting to be healed.

The same adult often becomes a PEOPLE PLEASER and PERFECTIONIST to protect themselves through an expectation of guaranteed approval, acceptance, love. Yes, we become addicted to love, our drug being Approval.  It doesn’t work!  We attract people whose love is Conditional on us being a slave to their needs, becoming the carer, the enabler, the shoulder to cry on, the one they can rely on to pick up the pieces; in other words Your average Dogsbody.  Ultimately it leads to anger with self, resentment of those who lean heavy on us and eventually burn out, loss of energy chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and depression.



Low self-value presents in many forms in my clients. These are a few steps you can address on the road toward self-acceptance.  Refer to Youtube – EFT tapping videos

  • Learning to say NO. Until you become more adept at this you can say “I’ll get back to you on it” or “Leave it with me”. We can effectively tap on the fear of “They won’t like me. Do I need people that ‘love’ me only as long as I serve their needs. If that is love, then I can live without it. Time to say Stop to allowing others to emotionally manipulate me for their own needs”.
  • We can tap on fear of anger. It is most effective when we tap it out from its origins, imagining the person who responded to us through anger in childhood while tapping.
  • Fear of making mistakes. Can we change our perspective and see mistakes instead as a learning curve. We haven’t failed. We have eliminated one option on our way closer to success. In the final development of the light bulb, Edison tried over 3,000 designs before getting it right! We are human, nothing more. What if we accepted our right to make mistakes. “Resistance is futile” for whether we like it or not, humans at all levels make mistakes. It is how we learn.
  • The Blame Game: What if life happens and often there IS nobody at fault. In accepting this, it further enables us to feel safer with mistakes.

Neasa x

Neasa De Baroid is a singer, performer and an EFT Practitioner in Cork City